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Comedy Central
Jul 28, 2011 2:00am PDT
should watch the show tonight. we made a big montage. that, my friends, that's my favorite, that one right there. so vicious, so mean, so cruel, and i don't hear it coming from conservatives about liberals. that is, if i may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown, disingenuous idealogically marinated unself-awareness i've ever seen in the wild. but you know what, it's woken me up. ed to reality of what some people face in this country, just for their political beliefs. you know, if you want to learn more about the hateful hyperbolic name-calling and malice mongering that people on the right face every day in this country, visit your local library and check out some of these informative titles. while you listen to the list,i'm just going to enjoy a little snack. [laughter] >> joining us now from washington, syndicated columnist michelle malkin, the author of the book "unhinged crn exposing liberals gone wild." >> fox news contributor jonah goldberg is here. >> "arguing with idiots." >> ann colter is the church of "godless: the church of liberalism." >> how islam and the l
Comedy Central
Jul 19, 2011 11:00pm PDT
applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. big show. big, big, big, big, big show. our guests tonight, we have on tonight's program pakistan's former president pervez musharraf. my guess is we'll have a delightful beverage and a lovely conversation. (cheers and applause) so let's begin tonight with the on going "news of the world" phone hacking scandal. to get you caught up, a seemingly simple story. ma and pa owned newspaper hacking into a murdered little girl's phone and... (laughter). ... paying the police to cover it up. has unfortunately turned ugly. (laughter) as of now, london's two top policemen at scotland yard let's call them officer blu rotton has resigned. andrew colton has been arrested and sunday tragically authorities arrested poor mrs. weasley. (laughter) wait, no that's not mrs. weasley. sorry, tragically, authorities arrested the guy from simply red. yeah, that's it. actually, arrested was rebekah brooks, the woman who ran "news of the world" during the worst of-- as the british call them-- the troubles. (laughter) brooks had already res
Comedy Central
Jul 7, 2011 11:30pm PDT
comedy central >> stephen: tonight, big news for wal-mart, not wal-mart big but big. and then animals respond to advertising. you know what they say? leg humping sells. [laughter] and my guest alexandra pelosi made a documentary about immigrants becoming u.s. citizens. i'm going to watch it backwards and make them all leave the country. [laughter] the pope wrote his first tweet today. he is truly the vessel through which god wastes time. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert repor captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. very kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you, very kind. nation -- [cheers and applause] i don't know actually -- thank you, please, please. please -- i have to -- i don't honestly know why i fight you. i like it more than talking. nation, as an american, i demand choice! whether it's 23 flavors of pringles or eight republican presidenti
Comedy Central
Jul 21, 2011 1:00pm PDT
we don't just stop with a-rod's salary and the schoolteacher's, we use those examples to test big philosophical ideas, justice, fairness, individual rights, property rights, the meaning of the common good, what is it to be a citizen. so what the book does and what the course does is to try to connect big ideas of philosophy with the arguments we have about politics and about ethics every day. and my hunch is that if we did that in our public life more generally, our political debates would go a lot better than they're going today. >> stephen: now i happen to think that the answer to "what is the right thing to do" is it is generally that thing that you least want to do. [laughter] it's the thing that never falls off your list but is always at the bottom of your list. and you're always looking the pay someone else to do it. is that anywhere in your equation? >> no. no. [laughter] no. but it is sometimes hard to do the right thing. and the challenge for politics and for moral reasoning is to see if we can do a better jonathan we are doing these days at reasoning, even disagreeing to
Comedy Central
Jul 15, 2011 10:00am PDT
alien invasions, but this is the big one, folks. increased traffic on two off-peak days. you know what that means, someone might have to walk someplace. [laughter] think of the children. pray for them. i certainly hope los angeles survives because i've got to be out in l.a. or the big angel, as they say, in just a couple months. i don't want to but it's business because this morning i got nominated for an emmy. [cheering and applause] yep. yes. this is what they look like in person. [audience chanting "stephen"] yes. [cheering and applause] i see these people on the red carpet. now i've already got two for the show, so this could possibly lead to an emmy three-way. see. they're all girls. i checked. [laughter] now, "the report" is nominated for best directing, best writing and best late night show. unbelievably we were once again snubbed for outstanding achievement in prosthetic make-up. people just don't realize that under this i'm like admiral ackbar. [laughter] but for the first time, i was nominated twice in the same category, first for "the report," and then again for late night w
Comedy Central
Jul 25, 2011 10:00am PDT
the president has a big birthday bash scheduled for august 3, celebrities flying in from all over. and lo and behold august 2 is the deadline for getting something done so that he can have this massive... maybe the biggest fund-raising dinner in history a birthday celebration. >> stephen: of course! obama just wants to raise the debt ceiling so he can raise the roof! (laughter and applause) and folks, it's his 50th birthday bash so he's going to be partying out with his hollywood buddies like beyonce, george clooney, matt damon, brad and angelina, skinny jonah hill. dumbledore. (cheers and applause) meanwhile, meanwhile, me and louie gohmert aren't even invited. i say we let the economy go down the (bleep). stupid birthday. we just have to make sure that this thing is fixed by august 18 because that's louie gohmert's birthday! and his party is going to be way better. it's going to be him, michele bachmann and steve king eating pizza at the corner booth. (applause) and i didn't get invited to that one, either. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ i like your messy hai
Comedy Central
Jul 6, 2011 11:00pm PDT
side of the story. jon seemed to think that was a big deal that i said we tell the other side of the story. i wish i had said the full story. here's what i meant. >> jon: wait. that was a big deal that you said that. that's your setting the record straight? i accidentally told the truth and wish i could take it back? you're not the... ( cheers and applause ) that's crazy. how are you not the counterweight? >> let me give you a classic example of what fair and balanced means to me. after hurricane katrina, the mainstream media piled on fema for its failure to respond to the crisis. and the federal government did a lousy job. but it was fox news that started reporting on the failure of the first responders, the city of new orleans and the state of louisiana to help people. yes, we reported fema's problems but we also told the other side of the story. >> jon: that's your example? you had a week to prepare an example and you came up with in 2005 everyone was (beep) on the republicans and we made sure they understood that local louisiana democrats (beep) too. i mean, just out of curio
Comedy Central
Jul 29, 2011 1:00pm PDT
be enforced by a new consumer watchdog with just one job, looking out for people, not big banks, not lenders, not investment houses, looking out for people-- . >> jon: what, wait, who? who are we looking out for before? (laughter) anyway, the dodd frank act is now one year old. and here to discuss the effect it's having in reforming a damaged financial system, we're very lucky to have with us tonight, hr 4127-- 4173. the dodd frank act, everybody. (cheers and applause) ♪ i'm alone ♪ a 2000 page long ♪ congress passed me without voicing ♪ ♪ i make sure wall street plays by the new regulation ♪ ♪ protecting your investments across the nation ♪ ♪-- . >> jon: hang on there just one second. >> what. >> jon: i'm sorry dodd frank. >> uh-huh. >> jon: what the hell happened to you? >> what dow mean? >> jon: i don't want to say it but you look like [bleep]. >> oh, easy, washington's a tough town, jon. since getting passed yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing. yes, yes, yes, i'm still standing. i'm still here. (cheers and applause) >> in fact, just last week my a
Comedy Central
Jul 5, 2011 2:35am PDT
. [laughter] let's go in 2012. of course, the big story continues to be my summer concert series: [take: ots: stephest logo] stephest colbchella o-leven, the greatest journalist-hosted summer concert series since greta van halen week. a lot of great bands, the headliner, of course, is dr. pepper, my corporate sponsor. last night's kickoff was a huge success, but i want to apologize for using this t-shirt cannon to fire dr. pepper cans into the audience. [laughter] to those in the first three rows last night, let me just say-- and i mean this sincerely --by entering my studio, you waived your right to sue me. now, folks, i'm not just a music lover, i'm a music-doer. in the '80s, i was lead singer of the new wave rock band stephen and the colberts. you may remember us from our billboard-eligible hit, "charlene - i'm right behind you." jim? ♪ i think of you and i dream of you when i'm taking pictures of you. ♪ i think of you when i'm in a plant looking down from up above you ♪ ♪ you know i'm missing you ♪ my mind is kissing you [cheers and applause] >> stephen: i did not -
Comedy Central
Jul 19, 2011 1:30pm PDT
it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. >> stephen: welcome back. nation, we all know it is no secret and i said it many, many times that the media is liberal. not how headlines always start on the left? and any time a conservative gets in trouble like rupert murdoch, owner of news corporate and rumor has it the world's largest human zoo, the liberal media starts circling. this is blood in the water. >> shark, shark. shark, shark, shark. shark. murdoch's british tabloid-- tabloid "news of the world" illegally hacked into the voice-mails of celebrity, murder victims and soldier's families in a disgraceful invasion of privacy. or as the british saylorees. so murdoch shut down "news of the world" and for some reason the media continued to talk about this piffle. >> former chief executive of news international rebekah brook was arrested. >> there have been ten arrests so fa
Comedy Central
Jul 19, 2011 10:00am PDT
scotland yard stepped down amid public outrage yesterday. >> stephen: big deal. who cares if the head of scotland yard resigns. why is scotland yard policing england anyway? call me when the head of england yard resigns. that's news. now thankfully, folks, there is a voice of reason out there. boston friend steve doocy who last friday blew the lid back on to this story with some pr guy who may or may not be employed by rupert murdoch. jimmy, pitch me off a deuce. >> what do you make of what this particular hacking scandal with the news of the world. >> the "news of the world" is a hacking scandal t can't be denied but the issue really is why are so many people piling on at this point. >> avenue's got some serious problems in this country right now. we are teetering on default with. what do they do. they talk about this. >> we know it is a hacking scandal. shouldn't we get beyond it and really deal with the issue of hacking? i mean citicorp has been hacked into. bank of america has been hacked into. i think any of the same kind of attention for hacking that took place less than a year ago
Comedy Central
Jul 25, 2011 1:30pm PDT
what's the big announcement? okay, okay. gentleman, i am-- i'm not gonna beat around the bush on this thing. i mean, we've known each other since, what-- since we were in grade school, for crying out loud, so i'm just gonna give this to you right from the hip. i mean, it's gonna come straight from the old-- from the old shoulder. i--it--i mean, no fancy stuff or anything-- come on, rick. all right, okay, all right, all right, this is it. [clears throat] i'm getting married. yeah, right, yeah. [laughs] [all talking at once] that wasn't a joke. that wasn't-- that was not a joke, guys! a week from this saturday, i turn in my amateur standing and i--i go pro. i don't believe it. come on. [...] me. wl, thanks for telling us, man. [all talking at once] i just told you. [all talking at once] look, we just figured this out-- well, you're doing the same thing, man. guys. guys. guys, hey, guy-- guys! our buddy is getting married. this is the happiest moment of his life, and you guys are giving him a hard time. you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. congratulations, buddy. come on, guys.
Comedy Central
Jul 6, 2011 2:35am PDT
of large bills too. [laughter] then, a survey names america's least active city. it's a big announcement, so put on your formal sweatpants. [laughter] and my guest, gary sinise is here to talk about entertaining the troops. luckily, this is their favorite show. [laughter] every time god closes a door, he opens a window. clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and this year, it's on july 4th. wow, feels like it's getting earlier and earlier every year. there are so many great traditions. of course, every year, i take the
Comedy Central
Jul 22, 2011 6:50pm PDT
of the race. he's the republican's leader. back-up weekend gretchen thinks there may be one big difference between romney. >> i think he could get a lot of money from that. >> big time. >> romney obviously not being a christian. >> jon: what? someone get that woman to book a mormon. really, ? can't get in until february 2014? wow, that thing is doing well. well, i'm sure back-up weekend gretchen's producers will point out the fallacy of her reasoning during the next commercial break. >> during the 6:00 a.m. i mentioned that mitt romney was not a christian. he is a member of the jesus christ of latter-day saints church, and that church does consider its members christians. >> jon: oh, and one other thing, time for lutherans to [bleeped] or get off the pot. reformation is over. you're in or you're out. we'll be right back. [ saxophone melody plays ] [ saxophone melody plays ] soothing matterhorn fabio's music. [ old spice whistle ] oh. something caught my eye yesterday. congresswoman debbie wasserman-shultz caused a bit of an uproar when she laid into a florida republican, his sup
Comedy Central
Jul 12, 2011 10:00am PDT
celebrated with my annual fireworks show. i like to make it big enough to be seen from england. sends a message. (laughter) but enough about me, folks. let's get to the big news, me. you see before the break the fec gave me permission to form colbert superpac and collect unlimited donations. when i merged from that crowd my g-string was stuffed with dollar bills. and i wasn't even wearing a g-string when i started. so thanks to whoever donated that. and the media reaction has been overwhelming. with headlines like colbert superpac pushes the limits of election law. cole pert superpac good for government and good for us, and colbert is a superpac la boeuf over transformers. (applause) >> stephen: no surprise. no surprise, my superpac and the transformer series have a lot in common. i can also rake in millions of dollars for no apparent reason. so -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, hogging the space a little bit there. so folks if you have not done so already go over to colbert superpac.com and sign up. so far over 94,000 of you have become members. and trust me, and one person c
Comedy Central
Jul 26, 2011 1:30pm PDT
noughts. just to illustrated how big that number is, if i took an atom, one, two, three, and started counting, then i'd run out of atoms on the earth very quickly. there are 100 billion stars in the milky way galaxy, 300 billion galaxy in the universe. there are not enough atoms in the entire observable universe to count up to that number, which is the age of the oldest thing we can imagine in science. so it's quite a big story, as you say, in a small book. you're right there. >> stephen: brian cox, will you lie on a hillside with me at night? [laughter] stare up at the sky? [cheering and applause] i got a chill, and i don't know what you're talking about. that was really beautiful. >> i saw you begin earlier with the fireman calendar. it seems to have gotten to you. >> stephen: they can come too. now, the last time you were here, we were talking about you also were concerned in geneva. it's a big particle accelerator there. and we were talking about something called the hagues bozon particle. >> yes. >> stephen: explain to the good people what the hagues bozon. is >> it's a theoreti
Comedy Central
Jul 13, 2011 11:00pm PDT
homosexuality are one of big reasons she's gaining traction in iowa. >> jon: what? why would iowans be so concerned about what happens three inches below the corn belt? [laughter] since the iowa supreme court legalized same-sex marriage in 2009 they've noticed real changes in the state's cash crop! [laughter] yes, their worst fears corn destroyed by a (bleep) playing. [laughter] a -- (bleep) plague. movie about iowa field of -- if you build it they will -- you know. [laughter] it's no surprising the message is resonating to conservatives there. unless you think she's pandering rest april sured she's be on this message for years. >> if you are involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle it's bondage. it's personal bondage, personal despair and enslavement. that's why it's so dangerous. it's a sad life. it's part of satan to say this is gay. it's anything but gay. >> jon: if i were to use a word for their lifestyle i'd say it was queer. what they took that word, too? oh, god. those (bleep). they've got that one, too? [laughter] representative bachmann doesn't just talk the talk. she and he
Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2011 2:00am PDT
name is jon stewart. got a big show for you tonight. bill kristol, editor of "the weekly standard," will be joining us. he's a fox news contributor. yet, yet, i hope to talk to him about a less contentious issue than that, like afghanistan. all right. ( laughter ) what a show. we're going to start with something that i found on the tv box this morning that was maybe one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my life. >> mark halperin. what was the president's strategy? >> are we in the seven-second delay today? >> oh, lordy. >> i want to characterize how i thought the president behaved. >> we have it. we can use it, right, alex? >> yeah, sure, come on. >> go for it. >> i thought he was kind of a dick yesterday. ( laughter ) >> jon: mark halperin, senior political analyst, editor at large of "time" magazine just called the president a dick. and that wasn't like a spontaneous, like, can't contain myself, you lie! like this one, you guys have a delay because i'm going to call the president a dick. now, people can argue whether that's appropriate, whether halperin crossed some sort
Comedy Central
Jul 5, 2011 2:05am PDT
applause] so what do we do, boss? >> the struggles of middle-class families were a big problem before the recession hit in 2007. they weren't created overnight, and the truth is our economic challenges are not going to be solved overnight. >> jon: but by monday... [laughter] monday? you got a plan? >> one of the most important and urgent things we can do for the economy is something that both parties are working on right now, and that's reducing our nation's deficit. >> jon: phew. well, thank god we know what to do, and that's not going to be too hard, right? >> we're going to have to tackle spending in the tax code to make it easier for entrepreneurs to patent a new product, rebuilding our transportation structure, eliminate waste, tackle entitlement, extend those middle-class tax cuts, help businesses create jobs. we got to seize this moment, and we have to seize it soon. [laughter] >> jon: what? of course, the first thing before we get to any of that stuff... [laughter and applause] that's why we get paid the cable money. [laughter] the first thing we do before we get to any of tha
Comedy Central
Jul 26, 2011 2:00am PDT
... >> who cares? >> who cares, right? >> it's no big deal. >> yeah, we don't care. >> oh, my god, i got like a... oh, jesus. >> oh, baby. >> this close, baby. >> that is a weight off my shoulders, man. i really dodged a bullet on that one. >> well, we all did, we all did. >> hey, what about the museum? >> huh? >> yes. >> boom. >> yes, there's still time. okay, dee, we're out of here. you look like a turkey. >> yeah. also i would say, i would say you look like an-an ostrich. >> yes! >> right? >> you know, i was-- i want to call her an emu, but i want to save it for, you know... >> you are a big, fat, flightless bird. >> yeah yeah! (laughing) >> those are all... those are all... >> just sort of a general... >> the general whatever. >> july 25th, 2011 from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is the dale he show with swron stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. we have a very good show tonight. our guest tonight, neil patrick her is. (cheers and applause) now as you know many of our viewer
Comedy Central
Jul 26, 2011 2:30am PDT
science. so it's quite a big story, as you say, in a small book. you're right there. >> stephen: brian congress, will you lie on a hillside with me at night? [laughter] stair - stare up at the sky? i got a chill, and i don't know what you're talking about. that was really beautiful. >> i saw you begin with the calendar. it seems to have gotten to you. >> stephen: they can come too. the last time you were here, we were talking about you also were concerned in geneva. it's a big particle accelerator there. we were talking about something called the hagues bozon particle. explain what that is. >> it's a theoretical thing that we think is responsible for mass in the universe. >> stephen: subatomic? >> subatomic parliament. why does this table have mass. >> stephen: it's wood. it's made of wood. go ahead. next question, physics man. >> we need not bother building this thing. so it's a particle that we thing is responsible for that, generating mass in the universe. >> stephen: it gives mass to things. >> to everything. last time i was on we were talking about it, and there were theories abou
Comedy Central
Jul 12, 2011 2:00am PDT
. >> [bleep] do it right. >> but you try to pass yourself off as this big political, you know, hot show daily everybody comes to your show every day to find out smart information. the truth is the point of reference is the dick van dyke show, monty python. >> jon is not read a single one of these books. he doesn't read my books. he doesn't even read the real books. the information is passed to him by all the smart women who work backstage. (cheers and applause) >> tell me, tell me. >> what! what do you want? >> jon: how are things in the world of fake fire fighting? (laughter) >> --. >> jon: i heard are you going to the smithsonian s that true, your character going to the smithsonian, is that true. >> my character is being inducted into the smithsonian institute on thursday. >> jon: why? why is that happening? >> jon, this is the same question i am going to ask the smithsonian people on thursday. >> jon: how do they let you know, you just get a letter, this is a fund-raising scam, how much money does it cost you. >> you get -- listen if i could have paid my way into the smithsonian i wo
Comedy Central
Jul 27, 2011 7:25pm PDT
the record of the media here. >> only if you think that bias has to be political. there are big biases in the media. >> stephen: what's your bias? you work for npr, i assume you have a pro tote bag agenda. (laughter) what is your bias? >> i have a pro transparency agenda. i generally like less secrecy, more sunshine, although i do have a fairly large selection of tote bags. sorry. >> stephen:s where the worst bias you seen in other media? >> i think that first of all there's bad news bias. that's the notion that... that makes you think the world is much scarier than it is. and that's a very bad thing. >> stephen: how bad? could it kill us? (laughter) >> because if you're worried about things like socialism and sexting then you're so distracted you won't worry about the fact that it's easy to carry a bomb on to a train. so there's that. then there's narrative biases. >> stephen: well, on the note of it's easy to carry a bomb on to a train, sleep tight, america. brooke gladstone, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: "the influencing machine." we'll be
Comedy Central
Jul 18, 2011 1:00pm PDT
america's only growth industry is growth. >> chalk it up to big portions and couch potatoes. >> we're eating less nutrition food. >> how about the bacon nateor double kneel weighs in at 2332 calories. >> jon: that's the problem we've weaponnized our food. isn't there a comprehensible theory that makes it sound like it's not our fault. >> think obesity will turn out to be environmental related. i think the peptide composition of people has changed. i think there's really interesting unpublished research -- [laughter]ççó >> jon: are you saying it's us eating environment peptide mutation crunch that is causing this? we either mend our double down ways or we end up so obese we stop reproducing because we can't locate our genitals. i think it takes a new generation of americans. >> at more than 16 pounds michael brown could be the largest baby born in texas. >> jon: we're going need a bibi impressive resume. i see you're flatulent in three languages. graduated top of your gas. [ male announcer ] got gas on your mind? your son rip is on line toot. [ male announcer ] try gas-x. powerful
Comedy Central
Jul 11, 2011 10:00am PDT
. (laughter) now, folks, i'm a big fan of tea party darling and '70s rock and roll participant ted nugent who last week wrote a powerful editorial in the "washington times" headlined "millennials sleep as their future crumbles. today's youth snooze while government steals their fortune and lives." yeah! nugent know it is thing that's going to jolt our youth awake is the newspaper industry! (laughter) you see, ted remembers the social change of the late '60s, the '68 b.m.c. convention riots, protests over the vietnam war and civil rights and he finds today's youth by comparison "terminally stoned on apathy." (laughter) yes, apathy! which is a gateway drug! starts with apathy, it eventually leads to crystal meh. (laughter and applause) now, nugent longs for the kind of activism he witnessed back in his day, mostly from afar as he explains "i was either squirrel hunting or putting a sharp edge on my sonic guitar slaying skills having not awakened to my we the people duties quite yet." wait, what the what? we the people duties don't include killing swirls? (laughter) i'm not as patriotic as i tho
Comedy Central
Jul 25, 2011 1:00pm PDT
? [cheering and applause] that's right. that's right. i like big busts and i cannot lie. i'm a butt man. there are millions of us, like two-time pulitzer prize winner author david mccullough. >> my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon. >> stephen: see? so tell me, nbc, where's butt week? i want hard-hitting reports on high and tight apple bottom booties you can bounce a quarter off and get back two dimes and a nickel. in-depth exposes on the sweet beachy curves you just want to polish with windex until you see your face in it. i'm talking about something so firm you can snap a pool cue across it. are you saving that scoop for brian williams? i'm sad to say this is a pattern with the peacock. they have a network-wide anti-butt bias. watch any of their news coverage. their anchor, world leaders always shot waist up and from the front. because that's where nbc's precious boobs are. and more to the point, it's where the butt isn't. you almost never see ass on nbc except on celebrity apprentice. i mean... [cheering and applause] i mean, you've got. to he's talking out of it.
Comedy Central
Jul 19, 2011 9:30am PDT
. >> jon: ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight starring in how to succeed in business without really trying. you may know him from harry potter and the deathly hallows part 2. >> can you see anything? >> everything you touch will multiply. >> jon: come on. that looks cool. please welcome daniel radcliffe. ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. thanks for being here. >> thank you very much for having me on. >> jon: i don't want spoilers. i don't want... i've not had a chance. does he get his ring back? >> yes. he's the central character in this film. >> jon: what an exciting time. how are you feeling right now? is it excitement over having this done? is it melancholy, bitter-sweet? >> i don't know. it's weird. when we were at the london premiere i was getting very emotional. i was kind of, you know, it
Comedy Central
Jul 6, 2011 7:00pm PDT
teacher" opens on friday. cameron diaz. ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. i could use a smartphone with social apps to stay up on what my friends are doing. and it's global, so i'll know what they're doing while they're doing it, even when i travel. i'll have to act surprised when they tell me stuff. i don't have a good surprised face. maybe i can look up videos of surprised people on my new phone for reference. yep, i really want that phone. upgrade to the new droid incredible 2 by htc with global capabilities for only $9.99. now on america's largest, most reliabxr high-z9eed network. veñtzon. >> jon: that's all for today's dr. oz show. [laughter] join me tomorrow when i have an abscess drained. [laughter] by catherine zeta-jones. here it is, your moment of zen. [babies crying] >> you okay, baby? >> they're fighting over a bottle. >> oh, no. oh
Comedy Central
Jul 26, 2011 9:30am PDT
. smurfs is in the theatre on friday. neil patrick harris! ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. (cheers and applause) swrz that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11 oing chro. here it is your moment of zen. >> lawmakers on capitol hill are also feeling the heat. >> it's hot in washington in more ways than one. >> as debt talks get heated and come down to the wir captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning spony comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. whoo, whoo! welcome to "the report." thank you so much. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome. good to have you with us. folks, sorry about the glasses. sorry about these. i'm just... oh, my god, my eyes are still adjusting. i have n
Comedy Central
Jul 19, 2011 2:00am PDT
switch. big savings -- it's a good look for you. [ blower whirring ] [blower stops] the safety was off. out there with a better way. now, that's progressive. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to the program. now as we just saw in the first act, the nation clearly is in dire straits with regard to the debt ceiling crisis. for more on its possible impact we're joined by jason jones. thanks so much for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) jason, if the experts are to be believed inaction on the debt ceiling and deficit reduction would be catastrophic but the negotiations have thus far seemingly brought out the worst in our political and pundit class. >> that's right. if the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bullshit ceiling. >> jon: well, that would be catastrophic. >> that's right. as you know, jon, the national bullshit or to put it in layman's terms the amount of bullshit people are actually willing to take has been slowly creeping up. >> jon: where are now with the bullshit right now? >> americans have had it up to about here with this bullshit
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